SSS- The Substitute Sailor Senshi
by HYSMS
Summary: Tuxedo Mask, Sailor Moon, Sailor Venus, Sailor Mercury, and Mini-Moon (i think i got all of 'em) die. 5 substitute senshi come in to help out the surviving original senshi.


"The Substitute Sailor Senshi" Â© 2001 HYSMS.com  
  
http://www.envy.nu/hysms/enter.html  
  
"Sailor Moon" Â© Takeuchi Naoko  
  
All characters are fictional.  
  
Rated: PG-13 (language, mild violence, lesbian stuff)  
  
note: voice actions/tones are in parenthesis ex. ( _____ ), actions are in asterisks ex. *_____*  
  
~Prologue~  
  
The 4 inner senshi, Sailor Moon, Tuxedo Kamen, and Chibi-Moon are fighting Eudial and ten daimons. The daimons surround them and enclose them in a circular formation, using their bodies to keep the sailor senshi in. "Moon spiral heart attack!!""Sparkling wide pressure!!""Burning mandala!!" Even the combined attacks of Sailor Moon, Sailor Jupiter, and Sailor Mars did nothing to faze the daimons. "So, looks like I finally got you where I want you, Sailor Moon. Ha ha!" laughed Eudial. "I'm not giving up without a fight, right guys?" said Sailor Moon. "Right!" responded the others. "Well, looks like you're not gonna get much of a chance, sailor senshi," said Eudial. Eudial took out her fire buster and precisely aimed it at the senshi. "Once she fires, jump out of the way," whispered Sailor Moon to her fellow senshi. They nodded and watched Eudial's every move, waiting for her to pull the trigger. "Fire buster!!!" Eudial yelled, then pulled the trigger. Sailor Moon, Mercury, Venus, Tuxedo Kamen, and Chibi-Moon tried to jump but realized that their legs were being held tightly by a couple of daimons. Only the legs of Sailors Mars and Jupiter were held loosely enough to break free. "Nooooooooo!!!" hey  
  
cried out together as they watched their friends get burnt to a crisp. "No! You idiots! You let them get way!! Don't just stand there, go after them!!" Were the last words that Jupiter and Mars heard as they fled from the battlefield.  
  
The Substitute Sailor Senshi  
  
Rei and Mako were sitting in Rei's room in the temple, talking.  
  
Mako: So...now there are only six of us left. We have no leader, and we need five replacement senshi.  
  
How are we gonna do this?  
  
Rei: Wait a minute! I remember something in the manual that mentioned having replacement sailor  
  
senshi.  
  
Mako: We had a manual?  
  
Rei: Yeah, remember that little black book that each of us got?  
  
Mako: Um...no.  
  
Rei: Well, anyway...I'll get mine.  
  
*Rei walks to bookshelf and pulls out a black book*  
  
Mako: I still don't remember getting this book.  
  
Rei: *flipping pages* Here we are...page 25: Substitute sailor senshi. "To call forth sailor senshi from  
  
Crystal Tokyo, say the phrase 'Bing bang boop' the same number of times as you need senshi,  
  
and they shall appear. WARNING: If you plan to call forth more than 2 scouts, the end results may  
  
be less than perfect."  
  
Mako: "Less than perfect"? What do you think they meant by that?  
  
Rei: Who knows? Maybe they meant the senshi will have a tiny little drawback, such as a facial  
  
deformity.  
  
Mako: *sweat drop* What?!  
  
Rei: Just a thought.  
  
Mako: Well, deformed or not deformed, we need to call those senshi...pronto!!  
  
Rei and Mako: (together) Bing bang boop. Bing bang boop. Bing bang boop. Bing bang boop. Bing  
  
bang boop.  
  
*An explosion occurs and five awkward-looking senshi appear.*  
  
Senshi #1: From the depths of the school gymnasium, I am Sailor Shorts!  
  
Senshi #2: Form the depths of god-knows-where, I am Sailor Mouse!  
  
Senshi #3: Goddamnit!! Why did they put me with you?  
  
Mouse: Hey, I can't help it if the Queen put me with you!!!  
  
Senshi #3: Shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch!!!  
  
Senshi #4: Um, hel-lo?! There are some more introductions left. so why don't you both shut the fuck  
  
up. *Silence*  
  
Senshi #3: Oh...(unenthusiastically, mumbles) from the depths of El Paso, I am Sailor Buddha.  
  
Senshi #4: From the depths of New Zealand, I am Sailor Kiwi!  
  
Buddha: I didn't know you were from New Zealand.  
  
Kiwi: I'm not. The gay-ass author made me say it.  
  
Buddha: Oh.  
  
Senshi #5: From the depths of Nevada, I am Sailor Shannon!  
  
*Everyone except Sailor Shannon snickers*  
  
Buddha: Sailor Shannon? *snickers* Who's the creative bastard who made that up?  
  
Shannon: Shut up. I didn't choose my name.  
  
Shorts: Guys... *makes signal*  
  
Buddha: Oh!  
  
*They all do their poses.*  
  
Mako & Rei: *sweat drop*  
  
Mako: Ooookkkk. I think I know what they meant when they said "less than perfect".  
  
Rei: (whispers) I know...they're frickin' retarded!  
  
Mako: (whispers) Tell me about it...Sailor Buddha looks like a retarded Sailor Uranus.  
  
Rei: (whispers) What? She looks nothing like Haruka. Wait...do the outers even know that Sailor Moon,  
  
Chibi-Moon, Mercury, Venus, and Tuxedo Kamen are dead?  
  
Mako: Oh, my god! We never told them!  
  
Shannon: Never told us what?  
  
Mako: No, not you. Luna! Artemis! Come here!  
  
*Luna and Artemis enter*  
  
Artemis: What's wrong?!  
  
Mako: I need you to get the outer senshi right away.  
  
Luna: Why don't you just call them?  
  
Mako: I hate to be the bearer of bad news.  
  
Luna: Oh. Well c'mon Artemis, let's go get them.  
  
Artemis: Yes, Luna.  
  
*Luna and Artemis exit*  
  
Ten minutes later, Sailor Buddha and Sailor Mouse are wrestling on the floor. Haruka, Michiru, Setsuna, and Hotaru enter the room.  
  
Haruka: What the hell is going on here?!  
  
*Buddha has Mouse pinned on the floor and is choking her while pounding Mouse's head on the floor.*  
  
Buddha: Why...won't...you...die?!?  
  
Mouse: (gagging) Get the hell off me you bitch!!!  
  
Haruka: Senshi! *Mouse and Buddha stand up* Un-transform!  
  
Shorts: But...  
  
Haruka: Now!  
  
Shorts: Just...  
  
Haruka: Now!!  
  
Shorts: I don't...  
  
Haruka: (shouting) Now!!!  
  
Shorts: (mumbles) Stupid lesbian.  
  
Haruka: What did you say?!  
  
Shorts: *sweat drop* I said, "How's your daughter been?"  
  
Haruka: Oh...she's just peachy, thanks for asking.  
  
*Hotaru looks up and smiles*  
  
*The new senshi un-transform*  
  
Haruka: Hey...you girls are kinda cute.  
  
*Michiru smacks Haruka in the ribs*  
  
Haruka: Sorry, poofoo. So, introduce yourselves to us.  
  
Shorts: 'Sup. I'm Candi, and I'm 16 years old.  
  
Buddha: I'm Beth, and I'm 16.  
  
Mouse: I'm 15, and I go by Stefanie.  
  
Shannon: In case you haven't figured it out by now, my name is Shannon and I'm 17.  
  
Kiwi: I'm 15 years old and my name is Tabby.  
  
*Artemis runs in*  
  
Artemis: Girls! There's a disturbance downtown. Move out!  
  
The senshi transform and go downtown where the original senshi died.  
  
Uranus: It's quiet  
  
Neptune: Too quiet...  
  
Pluto: Where is Eudial?  
  
Saturn: Hopefully, she won't kill the new girls.  
  
Uranus: Yeah, especially Sailor Mouse. That would be tragic.  
  
*Sailor Mouse steps away from Uranus, Neptune smacks Uranus on the arm*  
  
Uranus: Ow!  
  
Neptune: You're only supposed to think of me!  
  
Uranus: Who says I wasn't?  
  
*Uranus and Neptune giggle like two little schoolgirls*  
  
Neptune: Oh, Haruka...  
  
Others: *sweat drop*  
  
*As Uranus and Neptune are about to kiss, a huge ninja star gets thrown at the sailor senshi and cuts off Sailor Mouse's head*  
  
Uranus: Damnit!! She was the cute, little, blonde one!!!  
  
Buddha: Yeah! Whoo! Off with her head!!  
  
Jupiter: Goddamnit! Now we have to get another senshi!  
  
Shannon: You killed Sailor Mouse and in the name of Nevada, I shall punish you!  
  
*Strikes pose*  
  
Kiwi: Who in the hell are you talking to?!  
  
Shannon: Whoever just threw that ninja star.  
  
Eudial: That would be me.  
  
*The senshi turn around to find Eudial standing behind them*  
  
Shannon: You!  
  
*Sailor Shannon charges at Eudial*  
  
Eudial: Fire buster!!  
  
*Sailor Shannon gets burnt to a crisp*  
  
Mars: Make that two senshi.  
  
Jupiter: If this pattern continues, we'll have to keep replacing senshi over and over again.  
  
Uranus: Buddha, Shorts, Kiwi! Stand back, we'll handle this!  
  
*Shorts and Kiwi retreat*  
  
Buddha: Goddamnit, I was about to open up a can of whoop-ass on that skanky ho.  
  
*Uranus gives Sailor Buddha an evil look*  
  
Uranus: (firmly) Now.  
  
Buddha: *sweat drop* Eeep.  
  
*Sailor Buddha retreats*  
  
While Sailors Mars, Jupiter, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto, and Saturn fight Eudial and her daimons, Sailors Buddha, Shorts, and Kiwi are hiding in an alley talking.  
  
Shorts: I think we should help them. It sounds like they're getting their asses kicked.  
  
Eudial: (in distance) Fire buster!!!  
  
*Loud explosion followed by a scream*  
  
Buddha: Naw, they're fine.  
  
*Burning car goes flying twenty feet away from them*  
  
*Shorts and Buddha notice Kiwi staring at something*  
  
Shorts: What are you looking at, Tabby?  
  
Kiwi: Look at that guy over there.  
  
*Others look*  
  
Kiwi: Isn't he hot?  
  
*Others groan, sweat drop*  
  
Buddha: Tabby, you think every guy is cute.  
  
Kiwi: No, I don't.  
  
Shorts: Oh yeah? Name one.  
  
Kiwi: Um....*thinks*...Wheelie?  
  
Buddha: Oh, c'mon! No one thinks he's cute! Try again.  
  
Kiwi: Um....*long silence*  
  
Shorts: See? Face it, Tabby, you're guy crazy.  
  
Kiwi: No, I'm not. *looks at guy* I'm gonna go talk to him.  
  
Buddha: In your sailor fuku?  
  
Kiwi: Why not? When do you think he gets the chance to hang with a sailor senshi?  
  
*Kiwi runs over to guy*  
  
*Sailor Saturn goes flying across the street, gets up, then and runs back*  
  
Shorts: *sweat drop* I really think we need to help them.  
  
Buddha: Don't worry about it. Besides, Uranus told us to retreat.  
  
Eudial: (in distance) Fire buster!!  
  
*A giant fireball hits a building, and it falls on Sailor Kiwi*  
  
Shorts: Oh my god! They killed Kiwi!  
  
Buddha: You bitch!  
  
*Mars and Jupiter grab Shorts' and Buddha's arms and start running, followed by the badly injured outers*  
  
Shorts: Why are we running?  
  
Mars: They're too powerful, we have to run away!  
  
Back at the temple, the untransformed senshi are tending each other's wounds.  
  
Rei: We need more senshi. They're overpowering us.  
  
Michiru: I know. Should we call them now?  
  
Mako: Yes. The sooner, the better.  
  
All: (together) Bing bang boop. Bing bang boop. Bing bang boop.  
  
*An explosion occurs and three new senshi appear*  
  
Senshi #1: From the depths of Connecticut, I am Sailor Mianus!  
  
Senshi #2: From the depths of Mianus, I am Sailor Woody!  
  
Senshi #3: Hellooooo! My name is Doofy.  
  
*They strike a pose*  
  
Rei: (whispers to others) Is it just my imagination, or is Sailor Doofy a retarded 30 year old man in a  
  
skirt?  
  
Beth: (whispers) He's a retarded 30 year old man in a skirt.  
  
Doofy: This skirt is giving me a wedgie.  
  
Setsuna: You know what? You *points to Sailor Doofy* gotta go. Gimme that book, Rei.  
  
*Rei hands book to Setsuna*  
  
Setsuna: *flips through book* OK, page 39: Sending back extra or unwanted senshi. "To send back any  
  
extra or unwanted senshi, sprinkle any kind of powder on the senshi and say the phrase  
  
'Boop boop be doop boop'."  
  
Candi: I just noticed that they have the gayest phrases in that book.  
  
*Haruka and Michiru give Candi an evil look*  
  
Candi: *sweat drop*  
  
*Candi whimpers then steps away from Haruka and Michiru*  
  
Setsuna: Hello?! Can I continue?!  
  
*silence*  
  
Setsuna: Thank you. *looks around* Ah, baby powder will do just fine.  
  
*Setsuna sprinkles baby powder on Doofy*  
  
Setsuna: Boop boop be doop boop.  
  
*Doofy disappears*  
  
Woody: Damnit! He was the cool one.  
  
Beth: Yeah! Why did he have to leave?!  
  
Setsuna: First of all, he was a guy. Second of all, he masturbated with a vacuum cleaner.  
  
All: Ewww!  
  
Candi: I'd hate to be the one who changed the bag.  
  
Beth: I'd hate to see what was in the bag.  
  
Haruka: OK, Woody and Mianus *Others snicker* un transform and introduce yourselves to us.  
  
*Woody and Mianus un transform*  
  
Woody: I'm Aimee and I'm 15.  
  
Mianus: I'm 16 years old and my name is Jessa.  
  
Haruka: Hey, you guys are cute. *winks at Aimee and Jessa*  
  
Aimee & Jessa: *sweat drop*  
  
Aimee: Oh my.  
  
*Michiru smacks Haruka upside the head*  
  
Michiru: What have I told you over and over again?!  
  
Haruka: Sorry, poofoo. I know I'm only supposed to think of you.  
  
Michiru: I have nothing more to say to you, Haruka! From this point on, we are no longer a couple! We  
  
are through!! *Turns away, then turns back around* And there's nothing you can do to change  
  
my mind!! *turns away again*  
  
Haruka: Really? Not even...*whispers in Michiru's ear*  
  
Michiru: Oh! That's different!  
  
*They giggle, then run into the bedroom*  
  
Rei: Damnit!! They better not mess up my sheets!  
  
Setsuna: *sigh* Me and Hotaru have to put up with this at home all the time.  
  
Hotaru: Sometimes in the middle of the night, I'll hear banging and other strange noises. Then when I  
  
ask in the morning what the noise was, Michiru-mama says that they were re-arranging the  
  
furniture. But then in the morning, the room looks exactly the same way it did yesterday.  
  
*Loud bang, followed by a squeal*  
  
Setsuna: *sweat drop* Anyway, lemme fill you in. Eudial and her daimons are destroying the city and  
  
have killed 8 of our senshi in the process. Every time we battle the daimons, they seem to get  
  
more powerful each time, so we need senshi that are even more powerful than they are. Do  
  
you think you're up to the challenge?  
  
Jessa: Hell yeah!  
  
Aimee: Damn straight!  
  
*Bang, books fall off shelf*  
  
Setsuna: (sigh) I need a vacation.  
  
10 minutes later...  
  
Setsuna: So...you guys wanna try to fight Eudial again?  
  
*All mumble "yes"*  
  
Candi: (thinks) Hey, Hotaru?  
  
Hotaru: Yes, Candi?  
  
Candi: Do you think you can turn us into Super Sailor Senshi just like on that one episode of Sailor  
  
Stars when you made Uranus, Neptune, Pluto and yourself into Super Sailor Senshi?  
  
*Hotaru has confused look on her face*  
  
Aimee: (whispering) Candi, we're only in the S season.  
  
Candi: (whispering) Fo' real? Shiiiiiit...why didn't you tell me?  
  
Aimee: (whispering) Well, I thought you knew. I mean, Eudial was never in Sailor Stars.  
  
*Everyone looks at Candi like she's crazy*  
  
Candi: (mumbles) Forget it.  
  
*Loud bang, moaning*  
  
Rei: Damnit! I hope they don't break the bed.  
  
*Crash*  
  
Rei: *sweat drop* Too late.  
  
*Haruka and Michiru walk in*  
  
Hotaru: What was that loud crash?  
  
Haruka: *sweat drop* Um...we were re-arranging the furniture and the bed broke.  
  
Michiru: Yeah, manufacturers today aren't as high-quality as the ones back in the day.  
  
Setsuna: (chuckles) You guys should know about that since you like to re- arrange furniture so much.  
  
Haruka & Michiru: *sweat drop*  
  
Haruka: So...are we gonna kick some Death Buster ass or what?  
  
All: Yeah!  
  
Rei: Hey, you guys owe me money for the bed!  
  
Haruka: *sweat drop* All senshi transform!  
  
Rei: Mars star power!  
  
Mako: Jupiter star power!  
  
Hotaru: Saturn planet power!  
  
Haruka: Uranus planet power!  
  
Michiru: Neptune planet power!  
  
Setsuna: Pluto planet power!  
  
Candi: Shorts gothic power!  
  
Jessa: Mianus black-hole power!  
  
Aimee: Woody fruity power!  
  
Beth: Buddha chanting power!  
  
(They all transform into sailor senshi)  
  
Uranus: Let's kick some ass! *cracks knuckles*  
  
Neptune: Ooooh! I love it when you act like a bad-ass.  
  
*Others groan*  
  
Neptune: What?  
  
Pluto: Let's go while we're still young!  
  
The senshi arrive downtown.  
  
Woody: Dude, there's no one here!  
  
Buddha: Yah, but this is exactly how it was last time and then a huge ninja star...  
  
*Huge ninja star flies by, almost hitting the senshi*  
  
Buddha: *sweat drop* (nervous chuckle) Spoke too soon. *looks around, nervously chuckles*  
  
*Woody raises hand to fix hair, Buddha flinches*  
  
Buddha: Ahh! I thought you were gonna hit me.  
  
Woody: God, Beth! You have the worst reflexes!  
  
Buddha: Shut up! Don't make fun of me! *whines, turns around and crosses arms across her chest*  
  
*Uranus walks up to Buddha and puts her arm on Buddha's shoulder*  
  
Uranus: Don't listen to what the others say, just be yourself and listen to what your heart tells you.  
  
Buddha: (nervous chuckle) Um...what are you talking about?  
  
Uranus: I know what you're going through. Don't be afraid of who you really are. *winks*  
  
*Neptune turns around to see Uranus flirting with Buddha*  
  
Neptune: Damnit, Haruka! Stop flirting with the other girls! *pulls Uranus away*  
  
Shorts: (sigh) Aren't we supposed to be fighting?  
  
Mianus: Well, how are we supposed to fight when (yelling) the person who we're supposed to fight is a  
  
big pussy who doesn't want to come out and fight and just throws ninja stars at us like an  
  
idiot!?!?!  
  
*Another ninja star flies by and scratches Shorts' arm*  
  
Uranus: (gasp) Oh, you poor thing! We need to get you a tourniquet!  
  
Shorts: No, really. I'm fine, it's just a scratch.  
  
Uranus: Nonsense! Right now it's just a scratch, but when the bacteria settles in, you'll get gangrene  
  
and they'll have to chop your arm off. And there's nothing I find less attractive than a one-  
  
armed woman.  
  
Candi: *sweat drop*  
  
Neptune: Haruka, she's not even bleeding.  
  
Uranus: Not yet.  
  
Neptune: We need to get you fixed.  
  
*Pulls Uranus away by the ear*  
  
Uranus: Ow! Dear you're hurting me. Dearie? Michie? Poofoo? Ow...  
  
Shorts: That was scurry.  
  
Buddha: Damn straight! I think she wants some Omnas Pie.  
  
*Shorts gives Buddha an evil look*  
  
Buddha: *sweat drop*  
  
Neptune: This is stupid. If we're just gonna stand here and have ninja stars thrown at us, I'm going  
  
home. Besides, I need to practice for my upcoming concert. I haven't even chosen my dress!  
  
Uranus: Well, I'll help you decide that! (chuckles)  
  
Neptune: Really? I'll try some on especially for you.  
  
*They both giggle then skip off hand-in-hand*  
  
Mars: Hey, you two get back here! You still owe me money for the bed!  
  
*Mars runs after them*  
  
Jupiter: Hey...  
  
*Jupiter runs after Mars*  
  
Jupiter: Rei! Wait up! I wanted to know where you got that book of yours!  
  
Pluto: (sigh) You guys aren't gonna leave either, are you? *Turns around to see Saturn standing  
  
alone* Hotaru? Where did those good-for-nothing, lazy bums go?  
  
Saturn: They said they were gonna go to McDonald's because they were hungry.  
  
Pluto: Shit! Are you telling me that they're at McDonald's while we're dealing with the most powerful  
  
villains on the face of this planet?!  
  
Saturn: *sweat drop* Um...yes?  
  
Pluto: Well, they're in for a huge ass-beating when I get my hands on them!  
  
*Ninja star flies by and cuts off 2 strands of Pluto's hair*  
  
Pluto: *Eyes flash red, walks off*  
  
Eudial: So...Sailor Pluto. Have all your friends left yo...  
  
*Pluto punches Eudial and breaks nose*  
  
Eudial: Ow! You're not supposed to do that! Aren't you the quiet, reserved one?  
  
Pluto: Dead Scream!  
  
*Explosion, Pluto walks back towards Saturn*  
  
Pluto: (firmly) Let's go.  
  
Saturn: *sweat drop* Yes, ma'am.  
  
~Epilouge~  
  
Michiru (Sailor Neptune) received a standing ovation at her sold- out concert. Many of the audience members commended her on her dress that, coincidentally, Haruka (Sailor Uranus), picked out. Later that night, Hotaru (Sailor Saturn) couldn't sleep because Michiru and Haruka were re- arranging the furniture again. The room looked the same as it did the other night the next morning. Makoto (Sailor Jupter) found out that Rei's (Salior Mars) book was actually a fake book that was popular in the spell book black market. Rei still hasn't received the money for her bed. When Setsuna (Sailor Pluto) returned the Rei's temple, the 4 new senshi were no where to be found. Luckily, no one got an ass-beating since Setsuna took put all her aggression on killing Eudial. Ever since that fateful day, the people of Tokyo have reported sightings of 4 shadowed figures playing cards on top of the Tokyo Tower every night.  
  
The End 


End file.
